worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
