i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
