I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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