Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
