my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
