His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
