I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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