Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
