Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You've changed since you got that strap on
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
