One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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