so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Little spoons don't ask big questions
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
