Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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