I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
