I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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