I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
