so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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