I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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