Your face is a jimmy john
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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