I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
