dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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