I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
