So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
