oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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