dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
