just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
