My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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