You smell like stripper and shame
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
