I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
