I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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