you traded sex for a burrito?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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