shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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