my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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