Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
