I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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