i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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