my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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