I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
