Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
