there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
