you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
