R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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