I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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