I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
