I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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