Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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