If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
