I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
