Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
