I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
