Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Sext me about skeletons
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
