Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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