You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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