New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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