Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
