I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
