Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
