yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
